Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everything that glitters is not gold and every wing isnt chicken

   'tipsy' is not in my vocabulary... It's 'drunk' or 'sober'.

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

   Names of missing plane's pilots announced: Wer Ar Wi and No Wan No....

   Every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps.

   At lunch, I thought the meat at Taco Bell was green for St. Patrick's Day,,, but I am now second guessing that assumption.

   Everybody in the rap game are either Big or Lil', leaving a ferociously untapped "medium" market.

   When your girl accuses you of something just say "My mother was right about you." That will transfer attention from you to your mother.

   What a great time to be alive. If this was 100 years ago I might randomly catch polio, get drafted to fight in WWI or be someone’s slave.

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.

   Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.

   My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant. But, they don't .

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   PRO TIP; Become good friends with her mom. Trust me the benefits are too many to list here.