Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   Don't spoil the Moment by getting busy in taking selfies for Facebook and instagram.

   Sorry I started a fight in the middle of your parking lot pARtyy- F.Gump

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas

   Ladies, telling a man about your menstrual cramps is like…(can someone finish this joke please)

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.

   i hate when people think their special and that my p0sts are about them....

   I hate when I comment on someone’s status and they totally misinterpret my comment and I have to explain myself.

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   Bobby, that Facebook is the Devil! But mama, she showed me her status and I liked it too!

   What if they're looking for a "ping" but it's really a "pong?" Airplane jokes are really the in thing.

   Maybe that plane doesn't want to be found, have you ever think about that?

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   Black mothers be like "your dad was on that Malaysia flight."