Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Here's hoping the wind at your back doesn't come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

   According to my calculations, 2025 is going to be the best year ever - I will finally run out of Conditioner the same time as the Shampoo, It's the little things in life I tell ya!

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting,,, Was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   What I do when I'm black out drunk is none of my business.

   To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick's Day. . .

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys

   I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   When her thoughts are dirtier than your thoughts don't ever let her go.

   Behind every great woman is a great behind.