Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lost is actually being played out in real life.

   Women have 2 guys in their life.. The one they are screwing, and the one they should be screwing.

   Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   FUN PRANK: Go to a Barnes & Noble, and put ALL of the Bibles in the SCI-FI Section...

   After watching for over fifteen minutes, I don't think that RuPaul's Drag Race has anything to do with automobiles

   You don't know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.

   Scientists can't decide if eggs are bad for you, how many planets we have, or how old the Earth is....let alone what began the universe. Based on their lack of consistency and plausibility, I'm going with the God theory.

   My new girlfriend takes my breath away...she's insatiable and inflatable....then, sadly, I poked her.

   This could turn out to be one hell of an April Fools joke if Malaysia Airlines pulls it off...

   It's my birthday on St Patrick's Day and I'm gonna be drunk all weekend! LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   I'd probably go to church if all the women wore yoga pants. And they were all hot. And it was at a bar. A free bar. Amen.

   We men love two women; the one is the creation of our imagination and the other is not yet born.

   Why has no Media source asked J. J. Abrams where Malaysia flight 370 is?

   Malaysia Air uses Waze Maps

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   I am not down with OPP but I'm definitely down with the sickness

   Ever like someone so much that you just want to chew on their hiney?

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat drunk stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?