Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.

   I don’t mind holding my wife’s purse. It’s the only time I get to be close to my balls.

   Watching the Walking Dead and eating strips of Tri-tip soaked in BBQ sauce is turning out to be a horrible decision.....

   My six year old nephew asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

   NO Relationship Is Perfect, So You Might As Well Pick The Perfect Person To Go Through Hell With.

   "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   So with this Malaysian Airliner thing, I'm leaning towards the Abducted by Aliens theory.

   funny how $trap on spelled backwards is no parts

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.

   as often as SCIENCE changes its mind its hard to see truth in anything it says...

   They will never find that missing airliner. By now it is safely tucked away in Kim Jong-un's garage.