Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test

   Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...

   If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

   Once upon a time a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no. So the Prince got to buy trucks and boats, date big breasted girls, go hunting an

   spilled an energy drink on the floor and my two chihuahuas licked it up before I could clean it... they are now both doing push ups

   I manage my anger as long as you manage your stupidity and don't bother me with it.

   I went to the bookstore and ask the sales woman "Where is the self help section" she said if she told me it would defet the purpose

   Kim Kardashian in a fender bender REAR ENDER!! obviously nobody hurt!! Air bag went off but then again Kanye always does!

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.

   The hardest part about making friends is definitely the swimsuit competition.

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me

   My wife says it doesn’t count as sex if I don’t last longer than 30 seconds. So apparently I’m still a virgin in her books.

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.