Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it's the stupid people who need it?

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   I think you know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

   What? No toilet paper. Well, goodbye socks.

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already

   Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

   playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone

   X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.