Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.

   If the Chinese are so advanced why haven't they started eating with knives and forks yet?

   Come a little closer so I can push you away. - Women

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

   Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

   Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!

   If the condom don't fit you must acquit - Darren Sharpers Defense

   Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   Bacon n Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast here...