Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?

   I had my first gay experience today. I washed the dishes.

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   If I was prone to getting emotionally invested in a make believe world of words with no validity, I'd probably be more of a church-goer too

   Females on facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.

   Songle ply toilet paper versus hairy ass. Twenty minutes of my life spent full of fail.

   Why does everyone always have to bring up religion? I'm a Christian but I'm not going around shoving it down everyone's throat and I would ask that everyone else keep their beliefs to themselves as well.

   I hate when so much Peanut Butter is gone from the jar that you can't reach it with your fingers any more. I'm just kidding! Who sticks their fingers in the Peanut Butter jar like that anyway??

   Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

   A sad day I knew would come: Not only can he not drive 55, Sammy Hagar prefers to stay below 45 and won't get out of the passing lane.

   Necco Wafers: the barium swallow of candies.

   Some of you ask me how I spend my valentines day: Naked, on the floor with a bottle of liquor in my hand, Screaming Adele songs to my cat.

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   Actual quote from a girl I met my 1st day of college: "I would have tested out of English but I had too much other things to do."

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.