Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quick shout out to all the girls that are in their period and haven't told their boyfriends yet.

   the "we don't have to do anything on valentine's day" woman is one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"

   Today I'm wearing my new underwear, On the front it reads "I would do anything for love" and the back says "But I wont do that"...

   My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.

   With the 50 new profile choices for gender identity on Facebook, why can't I select "straight male"?

   "You're very welcome" -Dexter

   Look at it like this, if you're single than you saved money today. . .

   If you're ever asked: do you think my baby is cute, at least it's healthy is not the answer. . .

   I am glad I was rejected for the past six months, I didn't have to buy some ungrateful biotch flowers.

   Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.