Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.

   Why you miserable cork-soaker!

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers....

   So when love comes knocking at your door answer it stark naked

   Great day to be a canadian woodpecker with blue eyes and a 3inch beak

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   Humans have built civilization and traveled to the moon. It is a legacy for the world, but perhaps only a flicker of light for the universe.

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2

   When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   hey...do we look like we into cheap and safe like candles and flashlights???....Obviously when it comes to lighting crayons on fire, we into much more than just cheap and safe!

   Single Awareness Day....this is going to be a S.A.D. day

   my valentine is Manti Te'o's old girlfriend....forever alone

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   Comcast acquiring Time Warner Cable is like Nickelback and Creed deciding to go on tour together.

   The sale of Time Warner Cable to Comcast will be completed between 8am and 1pm depending on if the CEO is late at another appointment

   Congrats to Comcast! Finally, somebody is happy to have Time-Warner Cable.