Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The question about why something is news, needs to go away. Its a ridiculous and useless question.

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   'Words can't even describe how much I love you' - Someone who just used words to describe how much they love you

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   Keep your feelings away from me.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   why the hell are toilets so loud in the middle of the night waking everybody in the damn house?

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   Most relationships are like Rick Ross, they don't work out.

   I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.

   I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   █████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.