Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently even the word n ipple is flagged on h ere.

   I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)

   Are Tyler Perry movies some kind of punishment for slavery?

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from..

   just opened a store next to 'Forever 21', called 'Finally 22'

   'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth

   Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 13. BUT SIR... THERE IS NO AISLE 13. Dramatic music..

   Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?