Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.

   I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk

   Fellas; A girl without a hobby is a girl who will make a hobby of destroying your life.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Ladies; Ke$ha has a perfume out…in case any of you want to smell like vodka soaked glitter, and crippling regret.

   With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?

   "In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish." - R. Kelly

   It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA.

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?

   I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l