Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During filming of an episode of 'Happy Days' in 1976, The Fonz had a stroke causing him to say "Eyyyyyyyy" for 4 months straight.

   I found chocolate in the couch. No,I don't know how long it's been there. Yes,I ate it.

   "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

   Ecigs are like silent farts.. we still know you are doing it.

   I remember back when the media didn't have to invent names like "polar vortex" to tell us that it is cold during winter...

   I feel like a slice of butter, meltin on a big ol' pile of flapjacks!

   It's so cold out the Town Flasher was caught describing himself to women.

   Anything that ends up in my backseat should accept that it will be there forever

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   This post is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. (THIS POST IS CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED)

   FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.

   I can't change the channel when those stupid snuggie commercials come on because I'm under a blanket and I don't want my arms to get cold.

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   This bottle of red wine is more mature than me!

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   It's colder outside than two ex-wives.

   Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.