Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Global Warming my half frozen ass!

   My bank balance is sinking faster than Scott Peterson's wife.

   Liking Your Own Status Is Like High Fiving Yourself..

   Jameis Winston's trial has been overturned, because he is getting raped!

   I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I said. She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”

   Brace yourself...here comes all the closet Florida State fans & SEC haters.

   I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!

   I wonder if when Ice Cube was in NWA he thought one day he'd play a cop in light hearted comedy

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   Polar vortex proof Mother nature is not having a gender identity crisis. In everyday terms that's cold hearted.

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   Everyone up north, please post more pics of ice.

   I should sell t-shirts "I survived the Polar Vortex of 2014"...

   My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   I'm OCD but I worry that I'm not OCD enough.

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.

   The truth is the enemy of the fruit section. The fruit section can't handle the truth that their g @y behaviour and lifestyle is abnormal.

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.