Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too many critics with no credentials.

   If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow.

   We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It’s almost like he’s given us up, and let us down.

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body....

   Whenever I think of you, I touch myself. That is, I rub my forehead because you give me a f**king migraine.

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   there's a method to my madness.. just a madman with no method..

   It's sofa king cold today!!

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   I will fake love and take full advantage of you .

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.