Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! Making Frosty the Snowman my personal savior.

   If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   Bound-up. Can't drop a deuce. Damn you cheese.....

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   What channel is the Cowboy game on? I want to watch it with my dog to teach her how to roll over and play dead.

   Here's a little fact to brighten up your Sunday. Warren Buffet made $37 million in 2013. Per day...

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   Why isn't there a "media bullying"?.....oh thats right, because the media bullies people *smacks forehead*

   I've decided when I die I'm going to have my ass mounted above the fireplace so I can keep an eye on all of you.

   Better to be Bipolar than Bi.

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.

   I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house