Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.

   Rob Ford is slowly becoming one of the greatest Canadians of all time....

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want

   Drunk driving, sniffing cocaine, smoking crack, eating p ussy, drinking on the job, rendezvous with prostitutes...All in a days work for Toronto's mayor!!

   She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)

   Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   I don't know about Samuel Jackson doing Capitol One commercials. Something about an angry black man asking what's in my wallet makes me very nervous.

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   I wish I had a friend like me

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   My number is #0. Which is good 'cause I'm from [insert home town] and you probably know it already

   its funny how I know the name of a mayor from canada but not the prime minister.

   My favorite part of a Niki Minaj song is where I smash my IPod on the ground and stomp on it!

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk...

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical