Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."

   Humiliation in public or private is not an effective way to discipline your kids?!You should be assamed of yourself.

   If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!

   remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   "Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger.

   I feel sorry for Perrier water, they were the only ones for a long time...

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for pants is asking the clerk if they make your butt look fat.

   We live in a world of smart phones and dumb people!

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   Great, just found out the truth. All my theories are wrong. God wants to end and restart humanity all because someone invented 'Twerking'...

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire