Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   Yoga, because farting in private is for fat people.

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?

   Funny how you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island, only to figure out later that it's the island of misfit toys.

   Funny how the first 5 years I did it, my biggest fear was someone walking in on me doing it.. and now in the last 5 years I wouldn't bother doing it unless someone was watching me.

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new, "I promise, I'll only put the tip in"

   I am living vicariously through myself...

   My wife is getting real sick of me offering 'pen*s-cillin" every time she get sick.

   I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   Mr President, if you like your apology, you can keep your apology.

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   As far as I'm concerned, LL Cool J is old enough now he doesn't need to worry about what his "Momma said."

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .

   "You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach

   May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and lay an egg in your sinuses.