Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, where's the reset button on this life thing?

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   "That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "If you build it...they will come"?

   What should a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Dear Amish person reading this: Busted!

   Khloe, Kourtney, Kim Kardashian!..... The only KKK that will let black guys in

   if your panties aren't wet, then we never spoke!

   I think its safe to say we can blame every unsolved murder on adults that collect action figures.

   Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.

   Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.

   Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   I think we're old enough for a Karate Chop button on Facebook.