Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   Rejection from a girl at the club only hurts if your desire to get laid is weaker than your commitment to get drunk.

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.

   so,I went to vote tonight...when I went to up to the machine, They said,"if you like your votes,you can keep your votes".....but,when I went to put my ballot in,it suddenly spit out a message that said "your votes are substandard,and are being cancelled.B

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Obamacare.org sticker on it... Now it sucks just fine

   There is a big difference between a boy and a girl when the sy "I went through a whole box of tissue watching a movie".

   Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."

   The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

   election day? I'll vote for anyone that will make it legal to beat my kids

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   If weed is ever legalized, I cant wait to see the commercials.