Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   There's a kid in my son's class who has epilepsy and loves pizza, so we call him "Little Seizure," and, well, we're going to Hell.

   Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...

   GAYS: if you drive a Fiat, you don't need a rainbow sticker. We already know.

   Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum

   It always seems like a good idea, but invariably somebody is disappointed in a threesome.

   All we want is a cheaper government. We elect governments so they can take good care of us and not the other way around.

   The best thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for Taco Bell.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.

   Every room is a waiting room without you.

   On a scale of 1 to 69, how bad do you want me?

   "What's your pet hate?",.. "Well he doesn't like it when I stick my finger up his arse!"

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco

   My Facebook wasn't working this morning, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people....

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   Facebook must be prepping for upgrade, the new one will suck you in faster than a Hoover vac held by a prisoner who hasn't seen a woman in 20 years!

   This girl I know is having a baby shower at McDonallds hahahahah this isn't a joke....I wish it was but it's not

   Everyone grows old but not everyone grows up.