Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   dude, where's my government

   Every once in a while I'll part way too much to remind myself how much of an idiot I am.

   the only people who are against drugs are the ones who sucked at doing them!

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   What does a NY Giants fan do after his team wins? Turns off the xbox and goes to bed.

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the alcohol I've drank...but then I drool mid thought and realize...nope.