Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   You know you've just had a Killer leg workout when you finish your session && afterwards you're walking like baby Bambi.

   Did you ever think just maybe...just maybe... that the shark attacked you cuz you in his kitchen? Its not like he comes inside your house and swims in your kitchen,... and if that ever happened its called "Tuna Surprise Dinner!"

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   A-Rod vows to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger.

   In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."

   Never sure if a girl is hot or just that her massive sunglasses are blocking her face.

   I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.

   Never trust someone that smiles on Monday morning.

   Shark Week is so much better that Shart Week!

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   My voicemail greeting is now a Justin Bieber song. if you can make it to the end of the song without hanging up then I’ll listen to the message, because obviously it’s important!

   Its raining today, I guess my neighbors can't go to work today........They are mexican