Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 3am and I was wondering why there are birds still awake and chirping outside my window. Must have gotten their sleeping patterns messed up...or they probably do shift work.

   Martial law is coming. Fight for your freedom. Fight for the right to live. Stop the New World Order.

   The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history :)

   I bet Zimmerman didn't even kill Martin. I bet it was Aaron Hernandez....

   .If the head is split you must acquit

   The Judge in the Zimmerman trial looks like Chris Farley

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   This rain is really starting to become a pain in my grass!

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   To my American friends 9/11 will never be forgotten. ... much like 7/11/95 to my countrymen in Bosnia...RiP to all 8.980 that lost their lives in Srebrenica massacer and may God be with their families

   "Mom I'm Pregnant" White Mom: "WE HAVE TO GET YOU ON 16 & PREGNANT!" Black Mom: " I Done Told Yo Fast Ass Sleepin Around , We Going To Maury"

   lights off : there in grown hairs, lights on: there herpes

   According to Catholics beliefs, when a Pope dies, he has to perform two miracles from the grave so that he can be considered a SAINT. And you say religion is not DUMB.

   My 2yo is super bossy. He is telling everyone what to do. Oh I gotta go he said I have to get off the computer...

   Somewhere In A Ghetto Household A 4 year old is "droppin it" like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin "Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!"...

   It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.

   The way you dress is the way people will address you. If you dress like a bum, you gonna be addresses as a bum. If you dress like a slut, you gonna be addressed as a slut. If you dress like a loser…

   I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already in there don't need company. - Tyrion Lannister

   It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.