Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're all here because we're not all there...

   When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."

   Twinkies are coming back!!!!!!! :)

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   Like we really need Twinkies here in America.

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   I have "plan B" dates....everytime I make the plans, my date wants to abort & not go through with it

   Get married, you're gonna die anyways.

   And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

   Who are we?--Proud Americans. And what do we want? --To stop being the fattest country in the world!. When do we want it? -- After dessert!

   America is no longer the fattest country in the world. That honor belongs to Mexico now. In other news the Twinkie is making an historic comeback. Well played Mexico, Well played indeed!

   Free slurpee day at 7/11. You're welcome.

   Girls put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work. Nah ho

   Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you!

   Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"

   My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash... and it is gone!

   I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.