Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations Kanye for setting your daughter up to be teased with corny pickup lines all throughtout her school years. "Hey North West, wanna switch directions and go down on the "dirty south" with me?"

   Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.

   I hear a bunch of weird animals, beeps, and clicking. Wish me luck people, I'm going into walmart......

   Hey people going to church, the gym or eating plants; Please keep it to yourself and stop telling us about it all the time.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car... Car Keys.

   I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"

   Condoms aren't safe at all. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

   No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)

   "Kimye" calling their kid north west. in related news alicia keys naming her baby wherearemycar keys

   If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ

   This driving test is going terribly.

   I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.

   Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss

   Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.