Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   I'd play Monopoly but I am afraid of the commitment...

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.

   Rip: Slim Whitman

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   Apparently, only God can whack Tony Soprano.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!

   Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you.

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"

   Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!

   People, sharing some company's photo to "win" something is a scam. Just like nigerian lotteries, social security and obamacare...

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   Trending right now on Yahoo - 1. Kate Upton 2. Gisele Bundchen 3. Vanessa Hudgens 4. Wrist Injuries

   The bags under my eyes are Prada.

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.