Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.

   Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It's a free country really.

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   I hate when I take a day off from the gym and it becomes lifestyle

   Today my eight year old daughter told me Bieber is lame, and I was so happy!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers

   I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck".........

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.

   What do you get a liberal for Christmas? A tent so they can not work like the rest of them.

   I have amazing will power to have avoided the gym for as long as I have...

   time to buy a mother's day gift with my mom's money :)

   How the hell do hundreds of male Smurfs live with only ONE female smurf? It's no wonder they're BLUE!

   All stick figure people are black and all of the family stickers on peoples cars are white

   I wanna go kick a pigeon.

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....