Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2369 of 6454

Narnia is a bad movie for gays...it asks you to remain in the closet for the best adventures and fun
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01-12-2012 05:21
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A gynaecologist is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.
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01-12-2012 06:11 by Czovczov
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Red Cross called and asked if I could donate to the Huntsville, Alabama floods. I told them that I would, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of my driveway....
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01-12-2012 07:51 by sully
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I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!
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01-12-2012 08:23 by K-Mac
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Independent women throw your hands in the air!!!! Whooooooo! Ok now put your hands down and go do some dishes.
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01-12-2012 08:53 by fadolo
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I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......
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01-12-2012 09:15 by SEAN
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Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?
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01-12-2012 09:17 by SEAN
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Roses Are Red Violets Are Red Trees Are Red Fuck my gardens on fire!
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01-12-2012 09:37 by Craig.
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The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

"There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."

If you wear a bluetooth, please use one of your free hands to slap the ever loving sh*t out of yourself.
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01-12-2012 12:00
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You can fix everyone's problems, but when it comes to you, you're lost.
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01-12-2012 12:56 by jitney
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I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
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01-12-2012 13:01 by snotty
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I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............
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01-12-2012 13:12 by jitney
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I get a lot of dates when I tell girls that the poem "the man from nantucket" was written about me.
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01-12-2012 13:33
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If I ever get caught soliciting a prostitute, I'm going to say "These aren't the droids I've been looking for!".

would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
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01-12-2012 14:16 by jitney
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I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.
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01-12-2012 14:17
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