Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If judging others is a sin, Santa must be going to hell.

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

   Ever notice that our President's initials are B.O. makes sense because he stinks

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   i hope santa brings me my post apocalyptic survival kit tomorrow! aka: a 12 pack

   i used to be funny like you all, then I took an arrow to the knee

   If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!

   I was good at studies tilll I took an arrow to the knee...now I get by with the physically handicapped quota

   Excellent! My prediction of the millions of "Merry Christmas" status updates is coming along perfectly. Now all I need is a million "Happy New Years" status updates and my goals of knowing the obvious will be complete.

   When first talking to your kids about Santa, don't say he's God's drunk brother in law. Trust me...

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.

   I don't just laugh in dangers face. I bend it over a chair and pull it's hair!!!

   It is by far the most beautiful lump of coal you have ever seen..