Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.

   Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth

   If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   If having the moves like Jagger entails prancing around like an electrocuted chicken then no, I do not have the moves like Jagger

   Time lives forever so how can the Mayans predict Time when Time existed long before they even started to make a calender....That's like Snooki saying she'll look hot 103 years from now.

   I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months.

   Big girls take photos from the neck up.