Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

   Call it whatever you want... I'm still calling the Hummer H2, "The Douche Bag Container."

   This chick got a million dollar body with a food stamp face.

   Single girls give better hugs.

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   finally got a new coffee maker this morning... actually... its just a new employee at Starbucks.

   What's a blazing Yule log? Is it a combination of too much egg nog and zesty jalapeno dip?

   My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.

   You know it's cold out when you see a hitch hiker with his hands in his pockets, and a big thumb on his shirt.

   The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   Soooo basically "twitter" is basically Myspace 2.0?!

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"

   Someone should come up with a cell phone charger extention cord.

   Its called Facebook people.. Not Show your body (that you still clearly need to work on) book!

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.