Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

   Don't hang onto what you can live with; grab a hold of what you can't live without!!!

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   so there I was, stuck behind a bus at a red light. A group of kid turned around and stuck their tongues out at me. So I flipped them off, I'm not goin out like no b*tch!!

   I had a falling out with a co-worker when he found out I slept with his sister. We're cool now. He is even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak(Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas). Thanks Javier!!

   The only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck, it because her momma told her to enjoy the little things in life

   That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.

   well atleast LA knows how to convict GUILTY people . . . maybe FL could learn a few pointers??? . . .

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.

   2012 doesn't mean the end of the world. It just means its time to buy a new Mayan calendar...that's how a f*cking calendar works. It ends.

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti- procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay"

   If women that like younger men are cougars are older men that llike young men Nittany Lions?

   A Priest a Rabbi and a Penn State Football Coach walk into a bar....

   Well, obviously we have a Santa in the North Pole. He's climbin' down yo chimney, droppin' yo' presents off Bringin' cheer so ya'll need to hang the stockings, deck the halls, and leave some cookies cuz he's visiting errrybody out there.

   customers get on my nerves, if you gotta wait on a line wait !...."open up another register" If you at a red light you don't tell the police to open up another red light do you? wait you turn!

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   When a package says "easy open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   Just curious and not really sure why people like goin to strip clubs...you realize you're paying a girl to pretend to be interested in you?... :)