Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think once Mark Zuckerberg gets enough friends he will stop screwing with FaceBook?

   5 reasons why I'm not a pimp. I remember birthdays, I give rides to the airport, I lend money to people, I relax on sundays and I have a horrible backhand..

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   when alcohol does its taxes it claims me as its dependant

   you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you

   I just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of cans of alphagetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.

   says 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let Kevin Bacon die!!!!

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH....

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everybody remembers it except you..

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say"f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get.".

   Sometimes, you have to hear a song twice before you decide you like it.

   It's kind of sad that they replaced Mailbox on Blue's Clues with e-mail.

   The best thing about me is... I can be one of the guys an also one of the girls too!

   anyone out there paying attention.... good.... carry on ... if ya happened to wake up at the end of this status go back to sleep .... ... it has little or no ethereal value anyway....

   im just grading some cheese...

   It doesn't say it on my drivers license but I'm an organ donor.

   I'm worried that if I give up smoking I'll replace it with murdering.

   Prostate cancer. What color bracelet do I buy to support you?

   I'm not sayin she's the fattest girl I've ever seen but if I had to name the top 5, shed be the first 3..

   I got some really nice jewelry for my wife. Best. Trade. Ever!