Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   Yes tomorrow is Friday. Big f-ing deal. It happens every week. Deal with it.

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   during a moment of silence at services last night...my ex girlfriend Stephanie asked what was happening...I said "this is the part of the service where we blow the Shofar"... she said "I'll take care of it...you paid for dinner".

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   Today almost had me pinned to the mat, but then I kneed its balls and now I'm pulling its tights up into its buttcrack.

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   DADDY isn't defined as the man who makes the child, but rather the man who extends his hands and time to help with the child's needs, raising and giving his heart to love the child through anything. !!! BLOOD Doesn't always make you a DADDY! Being a DADDY

   Greece.You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   Now you no longer need a vision exam at the DMV.......Now EVERY oreintal person will be behind the wheel !!! SMH

   Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.

   My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

   "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this sh*t is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.