Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   The razor selections are starting to get scary. How many do they think they can add? I bet in 5 years there will be a Gillette Guillotine, one swipe and that's all...

   The problem is not that OBESITY runs in the family.The problem is that NOBODY runs in the family

   Pringles. A real chip wasn't good enough. So they smash a potato, add chemicals, add liquid, turn it into a paste, then put it in a mold where it is artificially made to resemble a real chip, but with no flavor. Then put 'em in a tennis ball can

   To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up? 

   I don't know which changes more often, facebook or a womens personality?

   Finally, Facebook gives me what I always wanted, a news feed within my news feed...

   Facebook is making it to easy and socially acceptable to stalk people.

   Woke up and found Facebook sucks even more today then it did yesterday. Good Job !

   I'm A Smart Person….I just do stupid things.

   EGSG «—- Scrambled eggs.

   I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.

   I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

   Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.

   Making love is like making pancakes. When done on one side, flip over to finish.

   When someone complains about facebook making changes, what they really mean is, "I just barely learned how to turn on my computer this year."

   everyone needs to stop freacking out every time facebook makes a change. its facebook. you'll be ok 

   : "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, & especially his third cou

   Man, I could go for some mechanically separated chicken right about now.

   used to be indecive but now she's not so sure