Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Drinking Without Breathing

   If ‘real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.

   LIKE IF you hate when you're listening to the radio, and every radio station is on commercial.

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   The wrong relationship will have you feeling more alone than when you were single..

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   The Greeks have stopped producing humas and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

   I wanna open a condom shop called The Hardwear Store..what ya think?

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!

   too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   It's Facebook people. Don't put photos of sunsets or cartoons or pictures of you cat.......post a photo of YOU for cryin out loud as your profile (showing some cleavage isn't a bad thing either)

   A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That's where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?

   When someone is bringing more sorrow than happiness into your life, it's time to show them the exit door.

   She's not a slut, she's like Wi-Fi without password, everyone enjoys it.

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs