Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finding the lost TV remote I looked between the bed sheets. Just wish I could find a hot naked women there now and then.

   An awesum cook, even the smoke alarm is cheerin me on! :)

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

   thinks that if ever there comes a time when air is going to be sold, I bet the first people to start that business would be the guys making potato crisps....well, they are already selling us bags of air with some crisps!

   the missus was not happy when I took out the tampons in her box and replaced them with party poppers!

   I think people must start requesting some sort of C.V or background profile on paper before engaging into relationships, would be advantages to know things like ful service history, Mileage, accurate shoe size and of cause HIV statuses

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   Dear Mr. Obama I know that you are busy with that whole deficit thing, but I seem to be having a deficit problem of my own paying over $4.00 a gallon in gas is not helping my situation maybe you can be a pal and look into that for me, Thanks.

   Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

   Be careful what you wish for... I may not fit in that bottle but I have great aim......

   99 years ago today, the Titanic chose to hit an iceberg and sink rather than spend another day listening to Celine Dion.

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   can't seem to come up with anything clever this morning, apparently the voices in my head have decided to sleep in.

   Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out

   ITS Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!

   Tankruptcy - (ˈtæŋk rʌpt si) The act of watching your car's gas gauge move from 'Empty' to 'Full' while your checking account balance simultaneously moves from 'Full' to 'Empty'.

   If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   99 years ago today, the heroic captain guided his brand new ship, the Titanic, head long into an iceberg to help and try and save at least a few hundred future great grand kids of all the passengers from having to listen to Justin Beiber 98 years later...