Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough

   If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.