Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. Don't college kids already have that? It's called Facebook.

   Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!