Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Why do people refuse to vote in elections because they say their one vote won't matter, but will gladly spend money tons of money buying Powerball tickets despite virtually no chance of winning?

   If you own a bar near a hospital and it's not called Flatliners, what the hell is wrong with you?

   I have heard that if a bear approaches you in the woods...you should play dead. I think I know why. it's to get you used to what you're going to look like in a minute.

   The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.

   When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

   My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

   Once, while camping, my Mother in Law stumbled upon two ferocious Black Bears.....the bears immediately played dead..... until she left

   The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'

   Last night my dog said to me, "I think you're smoking too much Marijuana"

   What if I am sexy and I don't know it?

   A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?" The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

   had a meal in a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity " so I left without paying

   It's important to have a woman who cooks.2. It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman trust you.4. It's important to have a woman that's good in bed.5. Its very important that these 4 women don't know each ot

   If Penn State Offers You A "Full Ride" Scholarship...I Would Read The Details First.

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned

   I instantly smile when I see a text from you, I don't care what's in it. It's amazing to know I crossed your mind even just for a second.