Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill", she says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"......

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   Divorce attorney: $3,500. Mediator fees: $575. Court costs: $130. Finally being legally and financially free from that former 'significant other': PRICELESS!

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a damn lollipop.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   You ever fire up your leaf blower and blow your neighbor's chihuahua down the street??

   So....I just heard that one of the trapped Chilean miners has both his wife AND mistress at the rescue site. Awww dude, just stay down there.........

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.

   So much sh!t comes out your mouth that your a$$ is jealous

   4 things you can't recover: The stone..after the throw. The word..after it's said. The occasion..after it's missed. The time..after it's gone.

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   just realized that Twilight is about Bella's dilemma between bestiality and necrophilia.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   Since July 2008, three of the four Golden Girls have died. That leaves only one: Betty White -beloved entertainer or calculated killer?

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.