Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

   Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?

   With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   ashamed of what he did for a klondike bar

   blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

   this chick I was talking to told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone.

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   "Yo Casey, I'm really happy for you, I'ma Let you finish, but O.J. had one of the best Not Guilty verdicts of all time!" - Kanye W.

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.