Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.

   I wonder if Toyota sent BP a Thank You note

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Does anyone have a clean slate to spare... I'm all out.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked?

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.