Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's

   It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!

   thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.

   read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.