Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.

   To the people of the land of the free and home of the brave ...we salute you and mourn with you...

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   Should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.