Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 247 of 6384
The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."
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04-16-2011 15:58 by Gman
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someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now
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08-19-2010 11:57
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During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering
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12-27-2011 06:41
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I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......
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01-08-2011 18:10 by scottyp
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Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
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04-12-2011 19:53 by scottyp
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I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!
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06-20-2010 15:40
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Honestly, I love every single some of you.
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09-11-2010 09:01 by Aaron
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I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.
don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
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11-18-2009 00:24
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If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.
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11-03-2010 14:07 by Kobrah
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Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues
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01-13-2012 12:49
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I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.
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04-15-2012 22:23 by K-Mac
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If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
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11-04-2011 09:16 by flinnie
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Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.
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06-13-2011 15:32
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Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.
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04-15-2011 22:11 by Gman
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My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.